There To Catch Me by Claire Kudyba

“I began to discover it was more than a lifestyle–It was the life I thirsted for.”

Like many Catholics, I am a cradle Catholic. I grew up in a loving American household with two sisters. My mom stayed home while my dad worked. We had a happy, carefree childhood, and attended school like most other kids. Both my parents are Catholic, so they made sure to raise the three of us in the faith. This included attending Mass every Sunday, and receiving the Sacraments of First Communion and Confirmation. Outside of those important times, I didn’t know much of anything else because God did not matter very much to me. Going to Mass on Sunday and living life were completely disconnected in my mind. Needless to say, I did not fully understand how God tangibly fit into my life, which proved consequential in how I dealt with insecurities a little later on.

To give you a sense of my own personality growing up, particularly between the ages of 10 and 17, I was incredibly introverted. Thoughtful, but did not voice my own thoughts. I was a people-pleaser, meaning I often went out of my way to be sure other people were happy and content, even if it were at the expense of my own needs or wants. Because of this, I was prone to long bouts of sadness when people did not communicate these same needs to me, or I faced great disappointment. It was not in my vocabulary for people to fail me, and when it happened, I was crushed. I remember a time when I felt I did not meet the expectations within my household, so I chose to sit in my room for hours, crying, feeling incredibly sorry for myself. This became a pattern for some years, where I would give someone everything, then feel snubbed or unappreciated in return. I would seek solitude and cry. Repeat. God was not at the center of my life; I was. He seemed distant. I knew He was there, but I believed He was only on the periphery, watching as a spectator rather than being present as a friend or good Father.

Fast-forward several years to 2018. Confirmation was my most recent Catholic milestone at this point, which left me with a lot of questions and a heart wide open to receive Truth. I was still sensitive, yet I truly hungered for a relationship with God; I just had no idea how to get there. This was when I met Justin, a young man from Alaska who had recently joined FOCUS as a missionary. We talked briefly after Mass one day. I was incredibly intrigued by his profound love for God, and I found myself thinking, “How can I get that? How can I learn to love God as much as he does?” I wanted it for myself, so he agreed to meet for coffee. Little did I know how much God would work through him over the next few weeks.

Justin was never preachy about his life or the Gospel. When he did speak about God, he spoke about his love for God and the Catholic faith, or to answer any questions I had. Yet, even when he didn’t talk about God, he still exuded a deep love for Jesus in his actions. I recall one time we were out walking around town, and he very simply asked me if I wanted to pray the Rosary. This astonished me, because one, I did not know the Rosary by heart at all, and he did, which seemed unbelievable for someone my age to know the Rosary by rote; and two, he wanted to pray it in public. Remember I was introverted, and part of that meant I did not like drawing attention to myself. And probably the one thing to draw attention to oneself is to pray in public! I recall being both honored by the invitation and wanting to run away right then and there. Yet, he seemed so confident and happy, I agreed to pray with him. Agreeing to pray ended up being one of the best decisions I had made to that point, because even now, whenever that hesitancy to pray in public tries to dissuade me from praying, I remember his confidence and joy. Over the course of a few weeks of meeting up, a deep conversion began to take place within my heart.

By the time Justin left the state to become a FOCUS missionary, my life began to change. I’m not saying it was an overnight conversion, but I slowly began to place my trust in God. Justin unintentionally laid the foundation for what a life with Christ looked like, a ‘program of life,' so to speak. FOCUS missionaries pray an hour every day? I started praying an hour every day. Justin only read Catholic books? Well, I started reading Catholic books! And it kept snowballing. Instead of becoming annoyed with this newly-found lifestyle, I began to discover it was more than a lifestyle–It was the life I thirsted for. And slowly still, God gradually removed me as the center of my life. I found when disappointments arose, instead of turning inwards, I turned to Someone else instead. I also learned to strive towards being who God wanted me to be, which meant setting aside people-pleasing and growing into the person God calls me to be by following His Gospel and the teachings of the Church. Life has changed much since then, and I still fall into or revert to old habits, yet I now have a foundation, a relationship, in Him. He is there to catch me when I fall.

How we live our lives is incredibly important. Justin, to this day, probably has no idea the great impact he made on my life by simply being a faithful Catholic. Because of him, I formed a deeper relationship with the Father and grew closer to Him in every aspect of my life. We do not know what will affect others, but if one thing will, it is one’s authenticity. There is a saying I think about a lot, one that hung in the office where I worked my very first job as an office assistant, which read, “People will not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel.” Up to this point in my life, I have found this statement to be true. I believe this principle can be applied to living the Christian life. People will likely not remember what we have said. But people will remember how we lived our lives. Ultimately, yes, it is not about what people think of us or how we made them feel; it is having a life in, and loving, Christ. By having a life in and loving Christ, He will shine through in every aspect of our lives, including how we touch the lives of others.

ABOUT CLAIRE KUDYBA: A Catholic since birth, Claire spent her growing-up years running around the Alaskan outdoors with her two sisters. Some of their favorite childhood games often had to do with building forts and crafting mud pies. Though she has long since moved on from mud pies, she now works serving people other types of desserts. Her favorite color is pink, though most people think it is blue. She particularly looks up to Blessed Pier Giorgio Frassati as an example for holiness. When she is not at home spending time with family or reading books, she can be found having coffee with a friend or stepping away to spend time in silence with Jesus.