Spoken Through Sunlight by Mary Ryan

“Revived with anticipation for what God had in store for me, I stepped forward next to the tree in front of me. I looked up towards the setting sun. Through tears in my eyes, I saw sunlight morphed into the shape of a cross.”

It was the early Spring of 2020 and the pandemic had torn me from “normal life” with my classmates at the University of Alaska Anchorage. For a long time leading up to this point, I struggled with bad feelings and negative thoughts. I had lost hope. I felt alone. My head was filled with lies saying I would never be enough for the people around me. I thought of suicide a few times and cried almost every night. Being away from my friends and daily distractions at school left me to face this struggle head-on. I hit rock bottom.

I went for a walk so that my family wouldn’t see. I wanted to sit in the gutter indefinitely. But I kept walking. I made it to the woods near the park and stopped. I was alone. I looked up and took in the beauty of God’s creation, just willing to be still and appreciate nature. I began to pray, thanking Him for the beautiful Earth. I then spilled out in raw honesty how I felt. Pointless. Failure. Pain. I wanted to do something worthwhile. I wanted to be worthwhile.

I said to God, “tell me where to move, and I will move.”

I thought, “move forward.”

Where did that come from? This must be from God. Why else would I think to move forward? Revived with anticipation for what God had in store for me, I stepped forward next to the tree in front of me. I looked up towards the setting sun. Through tears in my eyes, I saw sunlight morphed into the shape of a cross. I cried all the more. I had recently watched an Ascension Presents video where Fr. Mike Schmitz explained that the cross is your price tag — it means you’re worth dying for. With the light of the sun, God said to me, “I love you.” Out of all the signs He has given humanity, this one was for me. I said make me useful, and He said I love you. That was it, and that was enough.

* * *

God revealed His heart to me that day. I was overjoyed. I felt like the two women who just discover Jesus had risen. I wanted to tell everyone. I wanted to share because I knew that this message wasn’t just for me. It was for His glory so that many might come to believe in Him as I had. I can rarely tell this story without crying. It changed my life, and it changed my heart. I was set free from the lies that held me down. Despair turned to hope. When I feel depressed, all I need is the Lord. This doesn’t mean that I will never have a negative thought or a bad feeling. It does me that I don’t have to. It means I can choose to turn to the Lord, and He will cast out every fear and heal every wound.

ABOUT MARY RYAN: Mary Ryan is an artist of many mediums, including painting, writing, and dancing. She grew up Catholic in Anchorage, AK. Currently working at a public relations firm, her dream is to use her pen to draw hearts to God. Read more from Mary Ryan at https://thegodspeakjournal.wordpress.com