Romancing My Heart by Becky Rossing

“The fear of truly being seen, found out, and known, all were relevant fears I had to place at the foot of the cross…”

At the beginning of 2022, I was walking around my neighborhood, and asking God for a word, a phrase, something I needed to ponder or learn about Him and His heart in the new year. I looked at the trees and leaves blowing in the wind, and something in my heart felt childlike, God was revealing to me how He wanted to romance my heart. There was a sweetness about that walk I remember, this joy of knowing God wanted to pursue my heart, this childlike excitement inside me of knowing He was asking, not demanding, but asking that I let Him romance me.

Part of me was convinced it would be a blissful journey, skipping on clouds hand in hand and falling into a bed of rose petals. While yes, these are beautiful things, and do come in a wistful romance of the heart – the true romance comes from the cross. I did not realize God was asking me to enter into the cross with Him. I did not realize that was how He was asking me to let Him romance me, for that is where we truly meet His heart and we let Him meet ours - at the foot of the cross, in the brokenness, the hurt, the pain, the turmoil and confusion.

My heart feared romance for most of my life. I believe internally I knew romance meant a cross I was not ready to bear, or maybe did not want to bear. Internally God challenged me with letting go of control - some of them being in the smallest ways, and some in larger ways. It was very coincidental that internally God was asking to romance my heart, and externally He placed my now fiance in my life. My heart had been closed off to dating and anything related, it was easier to keep my heart behind a wall or in a box, closed off from intimacy. However, slowly but surely and piece by piece, God asked me to give up control, and allow my heart the freedom from this fear. The joy that came from letting go was a beautiful gift, however, when the moments my deep fears of being unloved and not enough would arise – confusion would immediately hit me. I would question everything, asking God where He was calling me, what vocation He was calling me too, etc. Religious life always seemed the superior vocation, however, it was the “easier” vocation in my head. Religious life would only entail intimacy with God, and friendship with fellow sisters. However, I would not be challenged in the same way God wanted to challenge me in marriage. In religious life, I could still hide in a sense – hide behind a habit as a way of escaping my true vocation and calling. The fear of truly being seen, found out, and known, all were relevant fears I had to place at the foot of the cross, and once more let God romance me through letting go of these fears.

God used my relationship to teach me what a gentleman God is, how kind, how strong, how willing He is to go the extra mile, and continue to love me at my worst. The romance continues to come through that external gift God placed in my life (my relationship), however, it first and foremost comes inwardly and intimately with God. The challenges of this year and feeling inadequate or not enough, the challenges with my health and feeling I am not reliable, or the challenges of wondering if I am where God is calling me to be were all relevant. However, God asked me to open that box of my heart over and over again, to give up my pride and meet Him at the cross to give it to Him.

Yesterday I sat in adoration, feeling unwell and needing to sit for a few moments, instead of going about my to-do list for the day. I mourned as I had to give yet another piece of myself to God. I sat in my pride, mourning the loss of the moments of my day that I had planned to do other things, yet, I was forced to sit and be still. However, in an instant, my heart was turned upside down on itself. I was sitting in my pride before our blessed Lord, feeling sorry for myself. I had to spend some quiet moments with Him in adoration, because I was feeling unwell... Quite the opposite of how I should be reacting – I was granted such a gift in that quiet moment in that chapel. I was granted a gift of intimacy, a moment of letting my sufferings be united to the cross. Intimacy is where true romance begins. Intimacy is meeting Christ on the cross, and intimacy is where God romanced and continues to romance my own heart.

ABOUT BECKY ROSSING: Becky is a born and raised Alaskan and cradle Catholic. She loves her Catholic faith, and it has been a pivotal foundation for her life. You can often find her doing pretty much anything outdoors whether it is summer or winter!